July 30,2011.
The twins would have been 23 today.
July 30, 1988. It was a day that began with hope and ended in despair. Every day thereafter is a struggle to bury the memories of the pains, the heartaches. Twenty-three years ago, it felt that the world stopped, she wondered, "What is the point of it all? ".
They died as soon as they were born, too premature. The clinical diagnosis was fuzzy in her mind; it did not matter anymore because they were dead. She had premature rupture of the membranes, which at six months of gestation did not give the babies any chance. Just before her husband signed the consent for an emergency cesarean section, she felt the gush of fluid signaling the end, and heard the nurse's frightened whisper, "It's meconium."
When she woke up in the hospital room, she knew immediately what happened and she felt the visceral pain of losing a part of her. She held her babies for the first and the last time, touched their small feet, and kissed them; hoping that she can preserve their memories forever. The pain was unimaginable.
One week after that fateful day, she walked to church with a heavy heart, not really understanding how she can go past the pitying stares and the empty words of condolences. All she wanted was to curl up in bed in a darkened room. Her world ceased to matter. Even though the tears had run dry, she could not imagine ever smiling again.
She stayed at the back of the church with her trembling fists clenched at her side. Darting a look at the closed door, she had resolved to bolt out of her seat as soon as the recessional was played. But the resident minister must have sensed her need and delivered one of the most inspiring sermons she had ever heard. The spiritual hymns worked their way into her heart and the Lord's promise broke through the dark chambers of her mind. She surrendered herself to God and believed that she will find a reason to live again.
"I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure."(Psalms 16.8-9 )
It was not easy. It will never be easy. Losing someone you love is a tragic moment that leaves its imprint in everybody's lives. Losing both her twins shook her whole being, seared her emotions, and left her scarred for life. She had mourned her loss but picked up the pieces again because there was no other recourse left for her.
The profound sorrow did not choke her as she thought it would, but instead, she found herself smiling again. Finally, her natural sense of humor resurfaced. And when her new son was born, she relished the simple joy of living. Time, family, and friends eased the way. Her God's embrace gave her the strength to carry on.
Life went on. The heart-rending pain of the loss had been numbed to a dull ache for what could have been. Somehow the human heart surprises us with its capacity to make room for more love to come. All it takes is patience, endurance, and faith.
Joseph and Jason remain as a reminder of the need to hold close to the faith and strength of God's enduring love.
